Bad Music 2000

This year's single CD was an austere, simple release, in contrast with the huge double CD package from 1999. Instead of packaging the CD in a regular jewel case, the whole thing was stored in a slim plastic bag, to make it easier to mail.

1. One, Two, Three -- Bill Cosby, Disco Bill

   Bill Cosby, Disco Bill

   "Disco Bill"?! A Bill Cosby disco album? Did this actually happen? Tragically, yes it did.

   This is apparently The Cos' attempt at some sort of disco parody. Or maybe he meant it. It's hard to tell with the words "Let's boogie!" plastered on his picture on the front cover. And as Bad Music fans will remember, Bill's attempts to sing vacillate wildly between serious, self-mocking, and just plain wrong.
   
   

   
   

2. I Am Rose -- Patricia Brady-Danzig, A Woman's Life In Love

   Patricia Brady-Danzig

   With the kick-off song from PBD's concept album about the musical life of a woman, there's no doubt that she's reaching for grand musical heights which are just out of her reach, in much the same way that a young child will strain to reach the candy placed out of reach on a high shelf. The Mrs. Miller/Florence Foster Jenkins of the 21st century has her own Website at PBDMusic.com, as well as her own performance hall at The College of Saint Rose in Albany, which gives us a strong feeling that the main source keeping her singing career afloat is more likely to be a large wad of cash, rather than a big hunk of talent. (Hmm. "I Am Rose". College of Saint Rose. Coincidence?)
   
   

   
   

3. Leaping -- Sue Fink, Lesbian Concentrate

   You're going to notice a distinct lesbian theme in this year's compilation. The first of three songs about lesbians (our Lesbian Trilogy, if you will) features a group of lesbian folk singers, romping through some lyrics that would give Pat Buchanan an aneurysm:

   
   "We're gonna please you tease you,
   Hypnotize and tightly squeeze you,
   We're going to get you if we can.

   Don't go and try to fight it,
   Run away or try to hide it,
   We want your love and that's our plan."
   

   This lively ditty comes from the Olivia Records album Lesbian Concentrate, so named because it was released as a response to orange juice spokeswoman Anita Bryant's anti-homosexual comments in late 1976.

   
   

4. King Tut -- The Beelzebubs, 1978-79

   The Beelzebubs are the Tufts university a cappella singing group (sort of like Yale's Whiffenpoofs, but with a slightly more cool name). The Bubs have been around for years and years, and they still perform (check out their Website at Bubs.com). As with any academic singing group, their choice of song tends toward the music charts of the day, as this slice of earnest singing proves. ("King Tut" just narrowly edged out the Chicago medley from the same album. Actually, I couldn't even bring myself to listen to the Chicago medley to find out how bad it was. Thank your lucky stars that this is all you're getting.)

   
   

5. Ach Lieschen, ach Lieschen -- Henry Valentino, SUPERDISCOHITS 77

   Ahh yes, Henry Valentino. Way back in the disco era, there were various novelty acts (even in America) who used to either dress up in vintage costumes (Village People), or try and fit old musical styles into a disco song (remember "A Fifth of Beethoven"? the "Star Wars" theme disco mix?), or attempt to do both at the same time. Herr Valentino seems to be one of these poor unfortunates in the last category. Listen as he attempts to convince you with his guttural, wobbly crooning to "come on, come on, come on, let's DAAAAANCE!!!"
   
   

   
   

6. God Is Watching You -- Tammy Bakker, Songs and Stories from the Jim & Tammy Show

   Tammy Faye Bakker

   Jim & Tammy Bakker started their ministry as a song and puppet act (with Tammy looking uncannily like Jerri Blank, from TV's "Strangers With Candy"). Unfortunately, Tammy seemed to be the driving force in the singing department, delivering rousing numbers like this one that make you regret the fact that you got out of bed this morning. That's right, kids, God sees and hears EVERYTHING. So you better be on your best behavior at all times. Or ELSE...
   
   

   
   

7. That Fascist Beat -- Nelson, Nuclear Cafe
   

   
   "Don't need no licorice stick!
   Don't need no Jagger named Mick!
   Don't need no record company prick!
   I got that fascist beat!"
   

   Welcome to the wonderful world of Alan Nelson, the most talented musician from Galesburg, Illinois. Mr. Nelson recorded this album in 1987, and promptly disappeared without a trace. At least he left this anti-corporate music rant (at least, I think it is) with some sassy sassy saxophone hooting.

   
   

8. Hello Lucille Are You A Lesbian? -- T. Valentine, Hello Lucille Are You A Lesbian?

   Recorded in a fit of pique, and supposedly inspired by the classic New Wave song "Johnny Are You Queer", this single became a record collector favorite, and was name-checked in one of RE/Search's "Incredibly Strange Music" books. Thanks to the good folks at Norton Records, who finally released it on CD this year, we can all enjoy the mumblings of Mr. Valentine. (What exactly is "that other thing that women have every month"?) The re-release includes some of Mr. Valentine's old recordings and some new music recorded specifically for the CD (about which see below). The second song of our Lesbian Trilogy!

   
   

9. Marui Marui Noshi Noshi (Lumbering) -- Jon, Smoke

   From John Zorn's Tzadik label comes Jon, a strange Japanese woman whom they're pushing as the next Daniel Johnston. Her act consists of singing songs about her dog, whilst playing the pump organ and wearing a dog suit. Let the public reflect that not everything that's described as "destined to become a cult classic" necessarily deserves to become one.

   
   

10. Ooh Ooh Tony Adams -- The A Team, Good Old Arsenal

    Tony Adams

    In England, they call soccer "football" (they too crazy!), and one of the sentimental favorite football teams is Arsenal. From a CD of songs about the team from past to present comes a song that sounds like a mix of the "Super Bowl Shuffle" and a song from the Bonzo Dog Band called "The Intro and The Outro". Hear this song once and we guarantee you'll be saying to yourself, "Ray Parlour on ma-RACKERS!"
    
    

    
    

11. Sociological Bind -- Bubba Fowler, ...And Then Came Bubba

    Bubba?!?!?!

    Bubba Fowler was apparently one of the guitarists on Bob Dylan's Self-Portrait album, and was able to parlay that brush with greatness into a solo musical career that lasted for exactly one album. Take particular note of the Dylanesque singing style, and the lyrics that attempt to be anthemic but just wind up sounding like a Dylan rip-off.
    
    

    
    

12. Swanee -- Billy Sigmon, Camp Akiba 1977

    A song and dance camp in Pennsylvania, Camp Akiba apparently recorded its recitals and pressed LPs for the attending kids and their families. Listen carefully as little Billy Sigmon carefully crafts a nuanced and subtle Southern accent when belting out this classic Gershwin ditty.

    
    

13. Help Me Make It Through The Night -- Lena Zavaroni, Ma! He's Making Eyes At Me

    Lena Zavaroni and Jerry Lewis

    Poor Lena Zavaroni! A Scottish waif who made it to the big time on British TV with her knockout renditions of tunes like "Swing On A Star" and "Bridge Over Troubled Waters", Ms. Zavaroni battled anorexia through much of her teen years, and died in 1999 at the age of 36. This ill-advised cover version comes from an album that was one of the final releases on the Stax label, if you can wrap your mind around that concept.
    
    

    
    

14. UFO -- Jimmi Reitzler, Looking Through Bobby's Diary

    
    "...I sang and played everything on this LP, like Paul McCartney and Todd Rundgren, two people I admire very much."
    

    So says Jimmi Reitzler, from Pleasantville, New Jersey, in his first (and, as far as we know, only) solo album. In this song, Mr. Reitzler cleverly exploits the UFO craze, which was not exactly the hottest craze in 1988 (Fox's "The X Files" was still 5 years away), but hey, it's Jimmi's dime, so he can put whatever lyrics he wants down on wax.
    
    

    
    

15. I've A Longing In My Heart For Jesus -- Little Marcy, Sing With Marcy

    Little Marcy & Marcy Tigner

    What is it with Christian women and their disturbing tendency to sing in child-like voices? There's got to be some reason for this. Perhaps some enterprising young divinity student can look into this issue for us.

    According to the liner notes on this one, Marcy Tigner was going through several voice coaches looking for a distinctive style, and ended up using the young-sounding voice that became her trademark. Hooking up with a mute doll serendipitiously named "Little Marcy", the duo went on to record with such luminaries as Smokey The Bear.
    
    

    
    

16. Wake Up Wake Up Black Man -- T. Valentine, Hello Lucille Are You A Lesbian?

    A recent recording in which T. Valentine attempts to rouse the black man into action against the Man (who watches the black man on TV), foreigners (who open up a business and pay you little or nothin'), and women who won't let him into their beds (callin' him M.F., S.O.B). There's a distinct Wesley Willis feel to this song. Wake up wake UP!!!

    
    

17. Ol' Man River -- Glenn Scharf & Elise Levin, Camp Akiba 1977

    More music from Camp Akiba. I'm particularly fond of the high-pitched singing when the two tykes sing together. ("Don't look UP, and don't look DOWN...")

    
    

18. Hippie and The Skinhead -- Peter Wyngarde, When Sex Leers Its Inquisitive Head

    ARGH!!!!!!!!

    The violently freaky-looking Peter Wyngarde was a big-deal British sex symbol of the 1970s who had a couple of hit TV shows, and then recorded an album so jaw-droppingly incoherent as to be instantly recalled by the record company upon its release. Fortunately, the good folks at RPM in England re-released the album on CD, so that everyone could see exactly what the fuss was about.
    
    

    
    

19. Anna Hotte Wa Dame (Don't Dig There) -- Jon, Smoke

    Some more strange music from Jon, made even stranger by the jaunty banjo music accompiment.

    
    

20. Conform -- The Gospel Crusaders, Love Is A Strange Word

    I think they were trying to be ironic in the lyrics to this song. But when the Gospel Crusaders are involved, it's always difficult to tell. Note the one guy who gets to interrupt the song not once, but twice ("That was BEAUTIFUL!"). The best part of the song is the very end, when you think it's done, but the Crusaders implore you one last time, "CONFORM!!!" Brilliant.

    
    

21. The Devil Is A Sly Old Fox -- Tammy Bakker, Building on the Rock

    Back for another whack at your eardrums is Miss Tammy Faye Bakker, who sings this song without the aid of any voice-enhancing drugs (we think).

    
    

22. I Never Left You Anyway -- Jandek, The Beginning

    Jandek (?)

    Jandek is a man living somewhere in Houston, Texas. He has recorded nearly 30 albums since 1978, all of them sounding exactly like this one example song. He never tours, he never grants interviews, he does precious little advertising and obviously has no marketability. Yet his records continue to be shipped through his own Corwood label, and people obsessively comb the releases, looking for clues as to why someone would be spending decades producing records that are the antithesis of everything that recorded music has come to stand for.

    For more Jandek stuff, check out the chapter in Irwin Chusid's book Songs In The Key of Z about him, or check out Seth Tisue's definitive Jandek Website. (Update: there is actually a Jandek tribute album, which just goes to show that anything at all can have a following.)
    
    

    
    

23. View From Gay Head -- Lavender Jane, Lavender Jane Loves Women

    Lavender Jane

    
    "Lesbian, lesbian,
    Every woman can be a lesbian!"
    

    In the course of this compilation, I tried to keep my song selection strictly to items that I personally had discovered on my own, rather than hearing them on the radio or being tipped off to them by other people. There are a few notable exceptions to this rule, however, and this song tops the list of stuff I just had to include.

    Championed by Michelle Boulé on WFMU's "Incorrect Music", this song comes from the first album featuring lesbian folk singer Alix Dobkin, who went on to have a solo career and writing career as a columnist for various gay & lesbian publications, including the local Chicago Outlines. As you'll find out when you listen to it, the song is extremely catchy, and makes for a great sing-along song. We're sure this is the one that'll be stuck in your head, hours after listening to this CD. You have been warned!
    
    

    
    

24. Victory Song 1993 -- Enrico Cocozza, Good Old Arsenal

    Another exciting song from the Arsenal CD, commemorating Arsenal's 1993 victory over Sheffield to win the FA Cup. Whatever that is.

    This song features three terrifying ingredients, namely: (i) soundbites from actual Arsenal game broadcasts; (ii) full-throated tenor singing by Mr. Cocozza, who appears to have some Dudley Do-Right genes; and (iii) some solemn prose about the magic of the Arsenal.
    
    

    
    

25. I Feel Like Travelling On -- Charlie The Hamster, Charlie The Hamster Sings Old Favorites

    Charlie T. Hamster

    What better method to introduce the kids to Christianity and classic hymns than some singing from a hamster? A male hamster with ble eyeshadow, no less? (Yes, that was a rhetorical question.)

    There are at least two albums put out by Floyd Robinson and Charlie (who seems to be a distant cousin of The Chipmunks), with the patented "Hamster Chorus(TM)" singing method. Not only are these albums musically disturbing, but (as Irwin Chusid pointed out on "Incorrect Music") they raise all sorts of philosophical questions. Do hamsters have souls? Do they go to church? Can they be saved? Is Hamster Heaven different from our Heaven? So many questions.
    
    

    
    
    

26. Where The Music Comes From -- Patricia Brady-Danzig, A Woman's Life In Love

    Where the music comes from is obviously not anywhere near Ms. Brady-Danzig.
    
    

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